and the truth was not in Christ. Then i would choose Christ rather than the truth."*
These are words written by the great 1800's author Fjodor Dostoevsky and they have made me ask myself: what would i choose?
I have many times had friends tell me how lucky i am to have something to believe in, and more than once have i been stereotyped as one of those "happy christians without a worry in the world". I've been told to my face that the only reason i believe is that i'm to weak to go with about belief and of course the cliché: "whatever makes you happy".
But i have to admitt; i'm not happy, i'm not without worry, my faith does not turn me into a beaming ray of sunshine...........
thow i might be weak, that actually may be true.
My faith innfact, brings me pain.
The anger of seeing all that is wrong with the world.
The sorrow of wondering about the eternal fate of my unbelieving father and friends.
The constant shame and guilt for something i would be without shame over if it was not for my faith.
The pain of not loving God, my father, more.
The hurt that my brother Jesus does not show me his face.
And the sorrow of him dying for I of an unworthy human kind.
This and so much more.. And for what? The thought that God loves me? Maybe even the feeling of His love, His joy?
The costs outweigh the benefits. Atleast if this is all there is..
So what would i choose if it was proven to me that the truth was not in Christ?
I think i would choose the truth...
I do not believe because it makes me happy, to be honest, these days i endure the pain of belief. But only just. So if i do not have faith that my faith increases my quality of life, then why do i believe?
To quote, in opposition to Dostoevsky, C. S. Lewis:
"Christianity is not a patent medicine. Christianity claims to give an account of facts- to tell you what the real universe is like. Its account of the universe may be true, or it may not, and once the question is really before you, then your natural inquisitiveness must make you want to know the answer. If Christianity is untrue, then no honest man will want to believe it, however, helpful it might be: if it is true, every honest man will want to believe it, even if it gives him no help at all."
I do not believe because it makes me feel well, i believe it, because i'm convinced that it's true.
Jesus never promised us life without suffering, he did however promise to be Life in our suffering, and light in our darkness.
Let us pray that The Lord, through his Holy Spirit would grant us the joy of those that first followed him.
* Dostoevsky. 1854. In a letter to the woman who gave him a new testament and thus changed his life.
** C.S. Lewis as quoted by Ken Boa in Passionate Living: A Devotional- Wisdom and Truth
